How Does Coercive Control Entrap Strong/Smart People???

Coercive control rewires your brain and central nervous system’s survival mechanisms. A coercive controller instinctively understands how to hijack and then weaponize your brain and body’s attachment system without you knowing or understanding that it has happened. To understand how this works, we will compare healthy (secure) attachment patterns with abusive (disorganizing) attachment patterns.

A healthy (secure) attachment pattern:

                  1.             Something upsets or distresses you and you talk to your partner about it.

                  2.            Your partner is comforting, reassuring, and protective (and apologetic if          

                                 they were the source of distress) and co‑regulates with you.

                  3.            You will likely feel more regulated and calm.

                  4.            Oxytocin (the “love hormone”) is released and you know you are safe.

An unhealthy/abusive (disorganized) attachment pattern:

                  1.             Your partner upsets or distresses you and you talk to your partner about it.

                  2.             Your partner denies it, attacks, or blames you, and then WITHDRAWS from

                                  you (they may punish you in other ways, but withdrawal of affection is   

                                  common).

                  3.             Your attachment system registers this as an existential threat to the   

                                  connection and activates your central nervous system, releasing stress  

                                  hormones (cortisol, adrenaline, etc.).

                  4.             You will likely feel desperate, panicky, stressed, fearful, confused, and

                                  insecure.

                  5.             Eventually, the coercive controller offers you some connection, which

                                  reduces the immediate existential threat and produces a powerful rush of  

                                  relief (endorphins, dopamine, oxytocin, etc.).

                  6.             This feeling of relief is POWERFUL – the victim goes from existential threat

  to their attachment system to feeling like they will be okay. Their body    

  becomes experientially dependent upon the controller reconnecting to

  them.  This is often described as a trauma-bond.

Victims of coercive control find it hard to leave, as the pattern doesn’t usually develop instantly or dramatically. The power in the pattern is not that there are big, dramatic blowouts over major issues, but rather the consistency and persistence of the patterned behaviour. In fact, the smaller the issues, the easier it is for the controller to hijack their victim’s attachment system without detection.

“Smaller” is better for several reasons. First, it is easier for the victim to imagine that they are making too big a deal out of something “so small.” Second, this pattern doesn’t make sense to a normal person. Normal, healthy people try to make sense of this behaviour using their own understanding, namely, “This person loves me and cares for me and would not intentionally do things to hurt me.” They are left then to assume that perhaps they really are to blame, that they really are making too big a deal out of something small, or that perhaps they were too quick to get upset. All of us understand things through our own lens, so naturally a healthy person will try to understand their partner’s behaviour through their own healthy relationship framework.

Third, with small issues there is no “smoking gun” so to speak so getting clarity or support for the abuse can be very difficult.  When victims try to describe what is happening to them, it doesn’t sound like a big deal to people they tell so it can be very difficult for friends or even professionals to catch on to the more subtle and nuanced behaviours.   Finally, using smaller issues can make a victim feel crazy, and over time as their nervous systems become increasingly reactive to the patterns, they may begin to act out in ways that violate their values leaving them believing maybe they really are the problem or the “abusive one”.   It also can make victims look like the problem to outsiders who may see and judge them to be “over-reacting”.    

If a victim can begin to identify and name the patterns and behaviours of the Coercive Controller, they can begin to understand that this is not love, not a “normal” relationship and there is nothing they can do to make it better.  Many, if not most, try desperately to get help to “fix” the relationship, their partner and themselves.  Unfortunately, there is no fixing this kind of relationship.  In essence it is less a “relationship” and more an attempt at “ownership”.  The motive to be in a relationship for the coercive controller is to have power over another human, to control them, and to use them to meet their needs. 

Even after a victim begins to recognize and accept the realities of their situation, getting out of the relationship is not easy or straight forward.  In fact, trying to leave a coercive controller can prove to be incredibly complex, dangerous and even deadly.